Steps Family Therapy

A Child’s Work Ethic? Photo by Filip Urban on Unsplash I was recently asked the question, “How do I help my kids develop a strong work ethic?”. It seems somewhat straightforward, but sitting with this question showed me how complex it actually is. I did have some practical advice that addressed this parents’ concern, but I had to point out the basic assumption of the question: that there is such a thing as “strong work ethic,” or that kids “learn” to work hard. This assumption is not scientific, but moral in nature. And I cannot judge how moral/spiritual someone is, and most people don’t believe in judging others like that either. For example: Does a surgeon who works 80 hours a week, but neglects his wife and kids, have a “strong work ethic”? Does a teenager who develops ulcers and migraines to keep perfect grades to avoid criticism from perfectionistic parents have a “strong work ethic”? Does a depressed mom who used all the energy she had to just get out of bed have a “poor work et...

“But What About MY Feelings?” Family therapy is a harrowing process. It often starts with parents bringing in a child, wanting to know how to help them. I often start by gathering information from the child about their stress, and find it is most often related to parental behavior, or could be improved if parents did something differently (Honestly, most child cases turn into couple cases). This doesn’t mean the parents are doing anything inherently wrong, it just means the child feels stressed and doesn’t feel a therapeutic connection with parents. Parents often feel shame, guilt, or defensiveness when they become aware of how their actions affect their child. They often grieve over what they didn’t know about their child’s feelings. However, it turns out parents are also human, and thus need their feelings validated. Parents cannot sustainably help a troubled child heal and grow without having an outlet for their own tremendous stress. Parenting is the most admirable of callings. It ...