Parenting Emotions: What About MY Feelings?

“But What About MY

Feelings?”

Family therapy is a harrowing process. It often starts

with parents bringing in a child, wanting to know how to

help them. I often start by gathering information from

the child about their stress, and find it is most often

related to parental behavior, or could be improved if

parents did something differently (Honestly, most child

cases turn into couple cases). This doesn’t mean the

parents are doing anything inherently wrong, it just

means the child feels stressed and doesn’t feel a

therapeutic connection with parents. Parents often feel

shame, guilt, or defensiveness when they become aware

of how their actions affect their child. They often grieve

over what they didn’t know about their child’s feelings.

However, it turns out parents are also human, and

thus need their feelings validated. Parents cannot

sustainably help a troubled child heal and grow without

having an outlet for their own tremendous stress.

Parenting is the most admirable of callings. It is also

insanely difficult. The following suggestions may help

you as you risk your sanity to raise emotionally stable

children:

-If you are suppressing your emotions all the time,

you will have trouble teaching your child to express

theirs effectively. You NEED someone to help you

process your feelings, and it should NOT be a child.

Ideally, it would be a partner who is also trying to raise

the child, who knows the situation and can empathize. If

not, another parent friend or your own parents may be

helpful (if they are able to listen and not tell you what to

do unless you ask). If there is no one you feel safe

processing parenting emotions with, hopefully you have

access to a therapist. If you don’t feel safe talking to your

partner about feelings, please see a couples therapist.

Emotions are best processed and released when they

are felt (not stuffed or numbed) and are discussed as

emotions (not judgments, critiques, or opinions).

Venting about how horrible your child is may let off

some steam, but doesn’t help you develop a greater

compassion for your child, and doesn’t usually ease your

pain. Look at the difference between these two

statements:

1. “My daughter is the WORST! I just tried to help her

with her friend situation and she attacked me as if I was

trying to destroy her life! Her attacks were relentless!

Even when she saw I was about to cry, she kept going. I

know she just wanted to hurt me. I swear there is

something wrong with her. I just can’t handle how

ungrateful she is and how little she cares about my sacrifices...”

2. “I’m so angry right now! My teenager said some

things to me last night that really hurt. My deepest

insecurities were triggered, I was feeling vulnerable, and

she kept saying hurtful things. Everything I’ve tried

seems to just make her more upset, and increases the

distance between us, and I feel powerless. I feel

ashamed, like I’m too stupid to figure it out. I just want

to give up sometimes...”

The first statement expresses no direct emotions, is

focused on the child, and is super judgmental. It doesn’t

allow for healing, as validation of these statements

would just ingrain aggressive thinking, and establish the

parent as a victim.

The second statement is all about the parent. It

expresses anger, sadness, helplessness, and shame

without diverting responsibility. These emotions can be

validated, helping the parent release tension. This kind

of processing might even allow for thoughts that

consider the child’s feelings, allowing for the

development of new solutions for meeting the child’s

needs.

-If you find a pattern in the emotions you feel about

parenting (e.g., consistently feeling parenting shame,

consistently triggered into anger outbursts), it may

indicate underlying issues, such as generalized shame or

low self-esteem. Processing unresolved trauma may

reduce the intensity of these feelings.

-Expressing your emotions to older children may be appropriate to help them learn, but it must be done

carefully and deliberately, and never with the goal of

seeking validation from the child.

First, it should be done while you and the child are

calm and logical, usually after the child's feelings have

been processed (See top of the Steps"). Feelings expressed while you or they are in an emotional state are likely to be taken personally and are

more likely to cause damage.

Second, the expression should be phrased as an

emotion about a specific behavior--an emotion the

parent owns, not that the child is responsible for, and

not a judgment on the behavior or child.

Examples of Dos (again, NEVER in the height of

emotion, or if the child is already expressing guilt):

“I felt sad when you yelled at me.”

“I felt angry when you took the keys without asking

me.”

“I felt frustrated when you said you would do the

dishes, then didn’t.”

Examples of DO NOTs:

“That was a mean thing to do.” (Not expressing an

emotion, just judging a behavior)

“I feel hurt and sad because you are being so

naughty.” (A judgment)

“You’re the reason I’m angry.” (The child is

responsible)

“I just wish you would be more grateful.” (Not an

emotion, judging the child's character)

Third, the context of the emotion needs to be relevant

to the child. Some appropriate topics might be:

-Discussions of the child’s behavior, aimed at

understanding the child’s feelings and helping the child

understand others’ feelings (again, not to validate your

feelings or make the child say "sorry").

-How the parent felt about something that happened

at work, or with the parent’s friends, illustrating

appropriate non-judgmental processing (See the post on

“Judge Not”)

-How the parent feels about loss of opportunities,

failed goals, or loss of a loved one, illustrating

appropriate expression of grief and hope.

Some inappropriate topics might be:

-How the parent feels about another parent’s

behavior. I repeat:

-How the parent feels about another parent’s

behavior.

-How the parent feels about the current financial

situation (it may be necessary to tell older kids about

financial status, but no need to tell them about your

anxiety).

-Detailed discussion of a parent's mental illness.

-Detailed discussion of a parent’s own trauma.

-Most discussion of parental SHAME, or self-criticism.

Kids do not need to know the ways their parents don’t

like themselves. Kids should certainly never be told how

they make a parent feel inadequate or sorry for

themselves (Kids are NOT responsible for parental

shame).

There may be scenarios where expressing shame

can be helpful, but it should be to validate the child's

feelings at the proper moment. And self-criticism should be expressed as

hopeful, not self-deprecating. Examples:

BAD:

"Ugh, I'm soooooo fat! I feel disgusting!"

"I'm so stupid for making that mistake. C'mon!"

GOOD:

"I hear what you're saying. I know how painful that

can be. I've had insecurities about my own body as well,

and it's been a process to learn to accept myself."

"I'm pretty upset that I forgot. But I'll figure out how

to make it better."

-Lastly, take care of yourself. Plan times to be away

from the kids, and time to be alone. You are less effective

at parenting if you are feeling tense or flooded all the

time. Find a babysitter, ask your spouse to help

rebalance the child-care load, or pop on a movie while

you meditate in the bathroom. Follow the “oxygen

mask” principle. (See “Body Language” and

“Psychological First-Aid Kit”)

*Maybe you are one of many parents who feel shame

whenever they assert their own needs or try to employ

self-care, thinking “I must sacrifice my well-being for

others always. My needs are less important than

everyone else’s.” We call this a state of “parental

martyrdom.” It is harmful to both parents and children,

and needs to be addressed. (See “Sources of Self-Worth”

and “Detecting the Effects of Trauma”)

To sum up:

-Raising children is a traumatizing endeavor. You

need ways to cope with and process the trauma as it

comes. The buildup of stress will hurt you and your

children. You need safe people to validate your anger,

shame, guilt, and grief. You must take care of your basic

needs, or address the reasons you feel you can't.

-Expression of emotions to children should serve to

educate and help them develop empathy, not to induce

shame. Children should not be expected to validate your

feelings. Children acting as peers, parents, or therapists

to adults tend to develop parental martyrdom as adults.

-If you are having tremendous difficulty keeping your

emotions in check as you parent, or your emotions seem

disproportionate to the situations you face, there may

be old unprocessed traumas to be addressed.