To the Parents of Adopted, Foster, or otherwise Traumatized Children

 To the Parents of Adopted, Foster, or otherwise Traumatized Children

Whether or not you have chosen to have custody of a traumatized child, you have an extremely formidable challenge ahead of you, one not all parents face. There is no greater calling than parenting, and those who must parent traumatized children should be honored and supported. Thank you for your efforts.

If a child is adopted or placed in the foster system, it is almost guaranteed that their brain wiring has adapted to face a world of danger. The birth mothers of these children were almost certainly under tremendous stress, increasing potential prenatal exposure to stress hormones. If the child lived in the home before being fostered, they were likely exposed to intense traumas. Even children who witness alcoholic parents come home and scream at each other every night might not be placed in foster care; the trauma must exceed legal bounds to include illegal drug use, neglect, or physical or sexual violence. Adopted or foster children have, for good reason, adapted to face threats (not enjoy safety). The same is true for children of divorce, who have often witnessed intense conflict between parents, which may continue after the separation. They learn that close relationships are unsafe.

Whether the new environment is safe or not, children with survival wiring will unconsciously try to perpetuate the world their brain has experienced. They must keep their guard up and their teeth bared, and be suspicious of those that present safe fronts. They have learned that primary caregivers will eventually hurt them, so they provoke new caregivers to anger to get it over with. Often, traumatized children become EXPERTS at finding adults’ insecurities and striking where it hurts the most in order to perpetuate their dangerous world and gain a sense of predictability.

This means you have an extraordinary task, not just to be a parent, but a therapist. I went through two years of graduate school with specialized trauma training, but still often make mistakes, offend people, and rupture relationships. Nobody is going to be perfect at this, but there are always ways to improve. This child has a much better chance at a functional life with you, and you can only give your best. Please be kind to yourself as you try to navigate the needs of a child who’s operating manual is constantly changing. Hopefully the following info can help:

Consider what happens in therapy with these children. When they enter treatment and we start to build a relationship, they will often lash out, trying to get me to fight back. Their fight/flight-conditioned brain is trying to justify itself to keep the world predictable, and it will go to extraordinary lengths to do so. Closeness, safety, and intimacy are FOREIGN to such a brain, and are threats. The only way I can help these children is by bracing myself for anger, and preparing to validate while still setting boundaries if necessary (I can tolerate all feelings, but NOT all behaviors). I must prove the traumatized brain wrong by helping the child feel that I will never judge or hurt them, regardless of how much they fight or self-destruct. I know that if I stick it out, I will reach the pain and sadness underlying the anger. Once I uncover the sadness, validate it, and let it out, the child’s brain will learn I am not a threat.

What does this look like at home? Here’s a surprisingly common scenario:

Your child has managed to get past the blocks on her phone and has been sexting sketchy characters. You know she would only do this out of a desperate bid for validation and attention. Whether she can verbalize this feeling is not important. Your child is not inherently bad, but has a fragile ego. You take the phone, as was previously agreed upon when phone rules are broken.

C:“I hate you! You never let me have ANY freedom!”

P:“I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”

C:“No you’re not! Or you’d give me my phone back and mind your business!”

P:“I’m sorry.”

C:“You’re the worst parent in the world! You never listen! You don’t care about me, all you care about is controlling me and making sure I never have any friends! (Extended rant about how you are fat and ugly and ignorant and your mom never loved you and I don’t care about all the sacrifices you’ve made for me and I wish I was never adopted).

P:“I’m sorry.”

The child runs to her room and slams the door. After an hour, she comes out and says:

C:“I’m sorry I yelled at you. Can I have my phone back?”

P: “I’m sorry, but you may not.”

C: “Why not!?”

P: “The consequence for breaking this rule is 3 days.”

C: “(Everything she said the first time, but more aggressively, with hateful looks)”. Runs to her room, door slam.

This sequence may run through several more times, perhaps with different topics.

As your child’s heart rate slows down and she re-enters her logical brain, she thinks about what happened and can find no evidence that you attacked her. You kept the boundary she had agreed to, and you said nothing invalidating, hurtful, lectury, or judgmental. You were careful to give no logical explanations while the child was in the thick of the emotion (logical statements clash VERY explosively with strong emotionality).

Your child comes down and apologizes again for blowing up on you--she didn’t mean what she said. You thank her for the apology. You try to not add any extra guilt in this moment by teaching or telling how much it hurt you. Your child already feels bad about what she did, so giving moral lessons on why she should feel guilty will probably not have a positive effect, and may do the opposite. If teaching needs to happen, it should happen at times when everybody is feeling calm and not vulnerable, when the brain is most receptive. In the meantime, you take care of yourself by expressing your hurt to a validating adult like a spouse or therapist.

If you have the energy, you might acknowledge that you understand how setting the boundary was painful, and invite her to tell you more about her feelings. When the child is calm, she will be more likely to express PRIMARY emotion, which is usually some form of sadness (in this case, a sense of loneliness, feeling unimportant). It is most important that THIS feeling be expressed. This is the pain that anger covers up, so treating it will produce less anger later on. 

Continued interactions like this will gradually prove to the traumatized brain that it is safe; there are boundaries, but no threats of actual danger. Creating a sense of safety is a life-long process. Even if your child begins to function as well as other less-traumatized children, they will still count on you to provide unconditional love and safety.

So, will you be able to follow the script as shown here? Not every time. People with no other stress have a hard time not getting defensive while under ruthless attack. You have MANY other stressors. Your child may be engaging in more destructive behaviors that require firmer boundaries that are harder to enforce. You may have a legitimate desire to be MEAN to the child, which is understandable. You are going to slip up and say something at the wrong time, or say something shame inducing. It’s ok. Your best will have to suffice.

Phewwwww. Take lots of time to breathe slowly. This is a lot. Parenting neurotypical children is hard. Parenting traumatized children can be HELL. You are not alone in this. Please reach out for support. Your children may never be in a place to validate your feelings, but others can. Talk to your spouse, family members, friends, clergy, perhaps an individual therapist. There are many support groups and resources for those in your situation.

Here are some resources that might help:

The Connected Child, by Cross, Purvis, and Sunshine

The Body Keeps the Score, by van der Kolk

Waking the Tiger, by Levine

The Whole Brain Child, by Siegel

Find support groups: 

-Adoption https://www.nacac.org/connect/parent-group/

-Divorce: https://btlfamilylaw.com/divorce-support-groups/

See post “Allegory of the Dog”