Relational Trauma: "Forgiveness" and "Resolution"

Relational Trauma: "Forgiveness" and "Resolution"

We often encounter an issue in relationships where one person has hurt the other either deliberately or accidentally, repairs and apologies have been made, and the offended person says they have forgiven. Yet, they still have emotional reactions when events remind them of the offense.

EXAMPLE:

A husband reveals a pornography habit several years into a couple’s marriage, and the wife is devastated. The couple survives the revelation and the husband goes sober. The wife says she has forgiven him for using porn and hiding it. 

After a year of sobriety, the wife notices her husband is spending a bit too long in the bathroom and becomes anxious. He comes out and she aggressively demands what he was doing in there. He feels hurt and defensive, accusing her of lying about having forgiven him, and a fight ensues. Turns out he was just constipated.

Has she actually forgiven? I would say yes. Has her amygdala been rewired to not trigger stress hormones when her husband spends too long in the bathroom? No.

Forgiveness and Resolution of pain are not the same thing. You can forgive your friend for slamming your finger in the car door, AND for your finger to still be broken and hurting. Forgiveness is acknowledging that your friend is not a bad person and that you hold no ill will toward him (not wanting to be angry). Resolution is when your finger is fully healed and you feel comfortable enough with your friend to go driving again (he has not posed other threats to your fingers). But, Resolution requires that you admit your finger actually hurts in order to treat it properly.

This principle applies to emotional injuries. We need to validate the existence and importance of feelings if we are to address them. Sometimes the repair takes more time to heal for a particular injury (e.g., an affair). Sometimes the pain directs us to an older injury.

OUR EXAMPLE:

No matter how many apologies and proofs of sobriety the husband provides, the wife’s anxiety does not let up. She still feels hurt and angry, and feels SHAME because she recognizes her husband’s efforts and doesn’t want to feel this way anymore.

In therapy, we find that the remaining pain is not from the porn habit, but hidden unhealed injuries. The revelation of the porn habit triggered the wife’s feelings of inadequacy, which she has had for years, and which the husband cannot rectify. He evoked intense pain with his actions, but he did not cause the original injuries. Because we validate the wife’s pain, we are able to track it to past injuries involving body shame (mostly from mom), emotional abuse, bullying, and romantic rejections. We process THOSE traumas and increase the wife’s self-esteem, which keeps her from anxiously fearing a relapse.

So, what offenses have you forgiven, but still feel hurt about? Is the pain only coming from a singular offense? If so, continue to seek sympathy and repair from the offending party and developing compassion for them. Did the offense trigger older pain? If so, process your trauma.