How To Have Sex, Part 3: Beliefs and Misconceptions

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How To Have Sex, Part 3: Beliefs and Misconceptions

There are many ideas about sex, either explicitly discussed or expressed implicitly, that can poison it. These ideas are maladaptive because they stem from, or easily induce, the emotions discussed in the previous post. I will list some of these false beliefs, then follow them with a more adaptive rebuttal.

-Sexual satisfaction, arousal, and orgasm are based on physical attractiveness. Not so. Firstly, there is no objective measure of physical attractiveness. And, as stated in the first two posts, emotional intimacy is a MUCH stronger predictor of how much you enjoy sex, and your relationship in general. Just look at success rates of celebrity marriages!

-Sex is a need. Sex is not like food, water, or sleep. You won't die without it. You may, however, experience various levels of discomfort depending on what degree you have used sex for stress relief. If there is no pent-up stress, then sexual tension will come and go without any problems like any other feeling. If you have medicated painful emotions with sex, porn, and/or masturbation, then you may experience anything from uncomfortable anxiety to suicidal ideation while going through withdrawal. If you can go through withdrawal in a safe validating place, then the pain will pass. This principle is important to understand because the false idea that someone has sexual needs is often used to manipulate partners, making them responsible for meeting said needs.

-I am responsible for my partner’s enjoyment of sex. Not so. You are not responsible for your partner reaching orgasm, general arousal, or general satisfaction. You communicate and contribute as much as you reasonably can, then leave them the ultimate responsibility for how their experience goes. This principle applies more generally in that you are not responsible for others’ feelings or actions. More on this in the next post.

-People don’t fake orgasms. Yes, they do. A LOT, mostly because they want to get sex over with, or because they know they likely won’t climax but don’t want to disappoint their partner (feeling responsible…). Men do this occasionally, but a vast majority of women have faked an orgasm, and many fake it on a regular basis. Honesty about this will increase the chance of sex improving.

-Sex is dirty or sinful, and makes you dirty or sinful. The 19th century Shaker cult believed all sex was unholy. No surprise they didn’t perpetuate their species. As discussed in the first post, if there is a God, then that God intended for people to have sex. Depending on your moral or religious beliefs, sex under certain contexts may be a violation of certain rules. However, breaking rules, and perhaps reaping the natural consequences of those actions, never makes anyone any less lovable or valuable as a soul, or to God. 

In conservative religious communities, it can be incredibly difficult to parse out the difference between doing something you believe is “wrong” (inducing guilt) and that action defining you (shame). Then, it can be difficult to change that feeling once said action (i.e., SEX) suddenly becomes “not wrong,” as in the case of marriage.

In these communities, it is best to teach about sex as religion teaches it in the most basic form, which tends to be: Sex is awesome, miraculous, and sacred and is most beneficial in a marital relationship. If you have sex outside of marriage, there may be natural harmful consequences, and it may impede you from making further commitments to God. But, God will still love you as much as ever, and there will be ways to make reparations for any violations.

        If misconceptions about sex have induced shame, there are ways to treat that and be free of it (See “How To Process Trauma”).

-Some sexual methods are off-limits. Branching off the last topic, there are a lot of people who think certain sexual acts are not allowed. Take a look at your moral code or religious creed. Where are you getting this message? Sexual acts should be collaborative and consensual between partners. If there is a higher power concerned with the particulars of your sexual experience, learn about where that is written. I would be surprised if your religion specifically dictated which methods are allowed and which are not.

-Sex isn’t worth it unless it is AMAZING. One of the most influential articles I read in grad school was the “Good Enough Model of Sexual Satisfaction”*, an academic piece that, obviously, advocates for low-pressure sexual interactions. Honestly, most sexual encounters are…average. C or B grade sex. And that’s OK! Sex doesn’t have to produce earth-shattering orgasms, or any orgasms for that matter. It doesn’t need to involve vaginal lubrication or erections. There are no “shoulds” in sex. It’s whatever works for you and your partner. Incidentally, when the pressure is low to perform, the chance of having an A+ sexual experience increases.

-Sex is portrayed accurately in pornography. WRONG. I have never heard of a porn piece that describes the awkwardness, anxiety, confusion, false-starts, quick cancels, sharp pain, cramps, or intermittent tangential conversation that exist in many sexual encounters. Porn portrays scenarios and techniques that are wholly unrealistic and even physically injurious if attempted. Porn should be seen as a “Don’t try this at home” kind of thing.

-Men are always more sexual than women. A poisonous and misunderstood stereotype. Though sex drive ebbs and flows throughout our lifetime, there is not strong scientific evidence that men are just inherently more sex-driven. The observed discrepancy may come from the tendency of men to relieve their stress with sex (which may just come from poor emotional socialization), whereas women tend to find relief in emotional intimacy. But, if two people manage their stress well, and have safe intimate communication, discrepancies in sex drive will be much less likely to cause problems, if they are even detectable.

-I am only sexual in relation to my partner/they “own” my sexuality. You were a sexual being before you met your partner. You own and are responsible for your sexuality, and reserve the right to do with it what you will, and no one should shame you, guilt you, or coerce you to do or not do something against your own wishes.

-All arousal must lead to intercourse. Piggy-backing off the last concept, you have the right to full autonomy over your own sexuality. This means that, if you just want a back rub, or a make-out, or to cuddle naked, but NOT have intercourse, you have the right to do just that without pressure to do otherwise.

-I can’t talk with anyone outside my relationship about sex. It takes a village to raise a child. The same principle applies to the couple relationship. Many believe that, because sex is sacred (or taboo), it shouldn’t be discussed with anyone besides their spouse. I understand the belief, but application must serve the purpose of keeping sex sacred. Sex that involves secrets, suppressed emotions, shame, and coercion, is NOT healthy and not sacred. Discussing sex (or other couple issues) honestly and vulnerably with a trusted friend, family member, or professional can serve to improve education and intimacy while reducing shame and secrecy, which increases the value of the sexual relationship. Just make sure that whoever you talk to can validate your feelings without judging you or your partner, as well as withholding traumatic reactions (e.g., talking about issues to a friend still seething from a rough divorce). See “What it Means to Judge Not.”

 

* Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362.