Levels of Coping

 Levels of Coping

What can I do about my problem? There are many answers, but I’ve found that the ways to address our problems generally fit into 6 categories:

Level 0: Numb-ers. (See “Coping vs Numbing”) These kinds of solutions may relieve or deflect the pain somewhat, but ultimately end up contributing to your problems. All kinds of addictions fall into this category, as well as other destructive habits like:

-cutting yourself to feel something

-getting multiple piercings or tattoos to gain a sense of control

-engaging in risky/impulsive sexual behavior to feel autonomous or induce a dopamine rush

-bingeing (food, tv, sex, thrills)

-pornography

-procrastinating

-compulsive shopping

-fighting

-hoarding

-oversleeping*

It is understandable why someone feeling intense emotions could use these to cope with the pain. They give the benefit of staving off extreme anxiety, anger, or despair, which may be necessary for short-term survival. These may prevent suicidality, panic, or psychosis in the short-term.

Level 1: Distractors. These coping strategies give the benefit of distraction from intense emotions without significant long-term damage. They might not contribute to your life, but they can mitigate pain:

-watching moderate amounts of tv/movies.

-playing on your phone

-light reading

-video games

-idle chit chat with friends

-taking a nap

-"changing things up" (haircut, new phone, redecorating)

Level 2: Helpers (See “Venting or Processing?” and “Body Language”) These coping strategies serve to reduce symptoms by contributing to your overall health or reducing your overall stress. They might not directly address the source, but they can reduce the pain of the symptoms and keep them from getting worse:

-exercising

-meditation

-breathing exercises

-expressive arts (painting, singing, dancing, writing)

-cleaning

-puzzles/thought games

-working on tasks, projects, your to-do list

-venting

-planning

Level 3: Workers. (See “The Importance of Doing Nothing,” “How To Not Feel Stuck” and “The 3 Kinds of Therapy”) These strategies help increase awareness of the problem, and have the potential to reduce the problem from the source. Putting a name to the problem can often reduce its power:

-Cognitive challenge exercises or worksheets.

-Behavioral chain analysis, or analyzing what works and what doesn’t and why

-Pros and Cons lists

-Emotion identification

-Journaling about thoughts and feelings (not just content)

-Body scan, identification of emotional sensations and naming them.

-Thought observation mindfulness

-Processing with a reflective friend.

-Reading a self-help book

-Yoga

Level 4: Healers. (See “How to Process Trauma,” “Boundaries and Manipulation,” and “Therapeutic Interaction Model”) These treatments have you confront the problem, and you come out alive and stronger. They must be managed carefully or they may become overwhelming and contribute more to the problem. We might liken them to physical therapy or surgery in their effectiveness in creating lasting change:

-Exposure therapy: putting you in contact with the object or situation you fear.

-Narrative exposure: telling or writing the story of a traumatic experience until it no longer evokes strong emotion.

-Addiction Rehab: inducing painful withdrawal in a safe place and learning to function without Numb-ers

-Body sensation exposure: focusing on the uncomfortable body sensation of an emotion until it disappears or reaches tolerable levels.

-Setting boundaries and maintaining them.

-Confronting those with whom you have tension until it is resolved.

-Making systemic changes in work, school, living situation.

-Applying new skills and education to old problems (communication, parenting, etc.).

Level 5: Growers. (See “Wanting vs Needing”) These are activities that grow you as a person. They are not treating a problem, but prevent problems from occurring. They are a form of stress, but are enjoyable because you choose to do them (eustress). 

-taking classes

-reading books to gain knowledge

-exercising to improve fitness

-dating to find a partner, or courting your partner

-developing a hobby

-reaching out to friends/making new friends

-helping someone heal from their emotional injuries

-getting involved in your culture, researching family history

-learning an art

-seeking career advancements

-developing spirituality

-service projects/volunteering

These categories describe the various ways we might interact with our problems. You may have noticed that the levels increase in difficulty. The Level 0 Numb-ers are almost automatic–they take very little effort, and people often feel they have little choice in using them. The Level 1 Distractors are very easy as long as you aren’t too deep into the survival brain. Level 2 Helpers take concerted effort, and require that you don’t already feel flooded. Level 3 Workers require even more emotional bandwidth. Level 4 Healers require a highly safe and sterile environment, and often require someone else’s help. Level 5 Growers are done most effectively when someone is in the very top of their brain: they feel safe, logical, and calm. If done prematurely, without a healthy self-esteem and strong social support, Grower activities can trigger anxiety, prevent healing, and even become Numb-ers or Distractors.

So, take a look at yourself. How much time do you spend doing things from the different levels? Are you spending most of your free time (or taking up work/school/family time) numbing or distracting? Are you ready to start enacting healthier behaviors? Are you ready to face your problem head-on by developing mindfulness and performing emotional surgery? Do you know what it feels like to create your own stress and enjoy it? Do you need a supportive person (like a therapist) to help you get started? It is much more effective to engage in the higher level behaviors with someone safe checking in or doing them with you.

Progress is not linear. The goal here is to increase average time spent in the higher categories. Let’s start with switching out Numb-ers for Distractors, then add in some less intense Helpers. Then we can use some Workers to help us identify where we need surgery. We may need to jump back and forth. It’s ok if we relapse and use Numb-ers again. We can learn from this process and make it better as we go. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be able to grow, rather than just survive.

See “Am I Getting Better?”