The Psychology of BYU Breakups
The Psychology of BYU Breakups
Check out this podcast episode geared toward LDS singles:
Is this breakup, friend-zoning, or ghosting just eating you up inside? Does it feel like you've lost your eternal companion? Like you will never recover?
It's ok to admit that this hurts. And it hurts for a reason!
Part of it is grief; you really liked this person, and maybe even loved them (or at least the idea of them), and you’ve lost the potential of something that could have brought you a lot of happiness. The pain of loss is natural, and will heal as you let it happen and incorporate new experiences and relationships into your life.
But, if you find yourself unable to feel at peace after a normal grieving period, you might have to dig a little deeper to see what is really stealing your peace. Have you ever ruminated on thoughts like these?
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Is there something wrong with ME?"
“What is wrong with THEM?”
"Did they always feel this way?"
"Are they THE ONE? Will we be getting back together later?"
"I'll never find someone I'd love as much."
"I just want them to know how I feel!"
“Was this the RIGHT decision?”
If these questions keep taking you in circles with no resolution, or you feel like the only relief will be to talk to this person, or even get back with them, we are actually dealing with an anxiety symptom. You are afraid of something.
And what is this fear? In my experience helping people work through breakups in therapy, and from my own breakups, here’s what I’ve found:
-The fear of being bad, shameful, deficient, undatable, not good enough, unworthy. This fear drives us to scan through past interactions, looking for ways we might have offended our ex. If we find out what it was and apologize, we won’t feel so bad, right? Maybe, but probably not. The fear of not being able to apologize is also the fear of being a bad, unrepentant person that hurts people.
Blaming the other person is also a symptom of this fear. SOMEONE has to be the bad guy here, and it’s not ME (because if it was me, I would feel deep shame).
-The fear of being alone. A lot of these questions are looking for ways to get this person back, to make amends, to find a solution to the problem that caused the breakup. Again, part of this is healthy grief and wanting to regain a good thing. But some of it might be that you feel shame (unlovable, unattractive, unimportant) if you aren’t currently in a relationship. This fear will drive thoughts of quickly getting back with your ex, or anyone, regardless of the logic against it.
-The fear of damnation. I use this word to describe that feeling of things never being as good as they could have been. You have been relegated to an existence that will always be lesser because it didn’t work out with this person. This fear will drive hopeless thoughts of no recovery, or never finding anyone else, or holding out anxious hope that you will end up together eventually (even when they get engaged 6 weeks after dumping you…).
-The fear of misunderstanding feelings. This is common for those seeking to follow spiritual promptings. Maybe you perceived a feeling or message that you would be with this person, and it hasn’t worked out. Either the message was wrong, or will be fulfilled later. If you got the wrong message, it is scary to think that you might be generating spiritual promptings from your own brain, or that you aren’t in-tune spiritually, which can induce shame.
We should try our best to not be driven to relationships, or driven to misery, by these fears. We can counter them in several ways:
-Recognizing and putting names to them
-Identifying the incorrect belief behind them
-Finding why our feelings mismatch with our beliefs (Why do we feel this way? Where did I get this incorrect message?)
First let’s explore some basic relationship “doctrines.”
There are no “bad guys” in breakups, because no one is obligated to be in a relationship. Healthy relationships are bound by love, not by duty. If they are bound by duty, they breed resentment and are unsustainable long-term. People have a right to break up with you for no identifiable reason, and that’s ok. You have a right to break up because it “doesn’t feel right,” and that’s ok. We are not to judge anyone by the method by which they break-up (texting, ghosting, etc.), even if it hurts really bad.
It’s also ok for someone to not be attracted to you, be annoyed by you, or to think you are great but not be in love with you. These views are subjective, and do not define your worth as a romantic partner or as a soul.
Next, it is not a sin to hurt people’s feelings. It is an inevitable and necessary part of relationships. Offending someone and getting offended doesn’t always mean someone did something “wrong,” it just means someone got hurt. And that’s ok. All wounds heal if properly treated.
If you are feeling shame because you lost a relationship or hurt someone’s feelings, you learned it from somewhere. Where did you learn that sadness or heartbreak were intolerable, that it was not ok for people to be upset?
Lastly, if you are unable to be happy while not in a romantic relationship, you might be looking at a self-esteem issue. See the blog post on “Paper Dolls” for more on this.
Let’s explore some potential doctrinal misunderstandings for Latter-day Saints:
As far as I understand the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there are no such things as FATE or SOULMATES. Such ideas contradict the doctrine of agency.
Thus, I am skeptical whenever I hear of people saying something like:
"The Spirit told me it was the right thing."
"It just wasn't meant to be."
"The Spirit told me we would get married."
That isn't to say these promptings are not exactly as they are interpreted, I'm just saying I've heard about just as many relationships that ended in messy divorce after both were impressed that the relationship was "right," or that the couple received contradictory spiritual messages about the direction of the relationship.
Any message interpreted as "this is the RIGHT thing” or “the RIGHT person," would imply that any other of the infinite number of potential relationships is the WRONG thing. This means that, if you don't get this one right (break-up, divorce, fizzle out on Mutual chat) then you are condemned to a lesser state of existence for eternity because you missed your shot with your SOULMATE.
I think this is non-doctrinal.
Again, I don’t know if this message wasn’t from God--your promptings are yours and no one can say otherwise.
But, given the doctrine of agency, and that God is not a matchmaker, I would think spiritual promptings would look more like:
“This is a good thing, with lots of potential.”
“This is a scary thing, and may include lots of unnecessary hardship.”
“Nothing. You can make a decision for yourself here.”
-Clarity over pros and cons.
Regardless of how it comes, I don’t believe spiritual messages take away someone else's agency, or make us feel shame (which is different from healthy guilt).
Also, be aware of sharing spiritual reasons with the person you are dumping. It doesn’t make me feel better to hear that God told you to break up with me. It's ok if you just weren’t feeling good about it, or if you just don’t like me that much.
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