Body Shame and Compliments

 I once hit a roadblock in therapy with a woman struggling with an eating disorder. I was trying to instill the belief that our worth does not depend on our appearance, but she stumped me with the hard data of all the guys that now slide into her DMs, the new friends she has, and the easier conversations with her family, all who pay her more attention and validate her with compliments since she started starving herself.

It looks like looks matter. In which case, maybe she should continue her 400 calorie/day diet? I’m trying to spread a belief that society doesn’t seem to share.

We know body fixation is toxic, but we so often fall into the trap ourselves whenever we are critical of our own bodies, or complimentary of others’. That isn’t to say compliments should be banned, but that they need to convey the message we are actually trying to send: “I love and value you, and validate your efforts and feelings,” as opposed to, “You are more worthy of my attention now that you’ve changed your appearance or lost weight.”

I can’t give any hard rules about how to prevent this, but I would suggest being mindful of comments about appearance, all of which indicate that we consider appearance to be worthy of our attention. As therapists, we are taught to notice changes to show our awareness of the person, but also allow them to make their OWN evaluation that we can validate: “I noticed you changed your hair! How do you feel about it?” Instead of indicating that a change is inherently good or bad.

When someone brings up their own body, validate (not necessarily agree with) their feelings about themselves, but try to convey that you will treat this person the same regardless of what they do:

“Ugh, I hate my love handles!”

“Oh? Tell me about that.”...”I want you to know you are beautiful to me no matter what.”

Instead of:

“Oh? I just found this great new diet that will take care of those. Wanna try it?”

The first conveys unconditional love, the second validates the false belief that something NEEDS to change. 

Or:

“I just lost 20 lbs and I feel great!

“I’m so happy for you! I know you’ve been working so hard!”

Instead of: “I noticed and you look SO HOT!”

Improving physical health is a good thing, and sharpening physical appearance can have social benefits but we must be careful to not convey that changing these things actually makes someone more lovable or worthy of attention, even if much of society believes that. This false belief prevents people from improving their overall health and happiness, even if it drives them to lose weight.