Chronic Adolescence: Some Reasons Why Adulting Is So Hard

 “...The human being is designed for a long childhood, followed by a short adolescence, then adulthood… What we see children experiencing now, however, is an ever-shorter childhood, followed by premature, prolonged adolescence from which ever fewer seem to be emerging.”

-Benjamin Hoff, The Te of Piglet, 1992

I could very easily diagnose most of my clients with a condition called “premature adolescence,” which I agree leads to “chronic adolescence.”

There are many ways we can induce such a condition in humans, which all can be described as developmental missteps:

-Children are often made to feel responsible for adults’ emotions. Not even the best therapists can sustainably be in charge of other adults' emotions. Adults who can’t manage their own feelings take away the period wherein children learn to manage theirs.

-We instill a sense of competition, the belief that there aren’t enough grades, college spots, or jobs to go around. I see 7th graders losing sleep over their resumes.

-We expect children to sit still for long hours, learning in a way in which even adults have trouble recalling information.

-We use screens as a substitute for experience, losing faith in our ability to independently fill our free time in meaningful, enriching ways. We also use screens to distract us from processing emotions, which is how we mature emotionally.

The result is that there are lots of adults that feel inadequate to face adult challenges. It makes sense, since they were given adult tasks without the brain wiring to handle them. The compounding failure since then makes them unable to grow up and adapt.

Therapy is often just picking up where the child was expected to grow up too fast. If therapy is effective, I am spending much of the time nurturing--and helping the client nurture--a neglected inner child. Once the child gets what they need, they can grow up. This doesn’t necessarily mean replaying cradling, breastfeeding, and crawling (as some therapy theories advocate). It means to recognize the emotions that feel old (often out of proportion from the present), and their sources if possible, and letting them run their course in a nurturing environment. If more adults did this, in or out of the therapy room, they could start to feel like adults, and be less likely to push their children out of childhood too soon.