Good Enough, AND Could Be Better

 

But what do these really mean?

I think the second truth is more pervasive, but subtly misunderstood. When most people hear “you can always be better,” they take it to mean that however they are now is “not good enough”, thus inducing anxiety to change themselves. If you have to change in any way to be a worthwhile human being, it doesn’t matter what kind of change it is, it’s going to be hard. There’s way too much at stake to not feel anxiety about it. This kind of anxiety keeps people from reaching their potential in physical health, education, careers, and relationships. It’s the reason “perfect becomes the enemy of good.”

This anxiety creates the false sense that there is an end to your improvement: "some people really do 'arrive' and can then be happy, and you’re behind." No matter how much it seems like some people have it all figured out, it’s just not the case. No matter how smart, loving, strong, attractive, or wealthy you become, you can always become more so. And, if you ever did “arrive”, you’d be damned, as the end of progress spells boredom, then agitation, then despair (See Groundhog Day (1993), or “Squidville” (SpongeBob, 2001).

Some people become distressed when they hear that, no matter how hard they try, they can never earn “good enough” status. All the stress and anxiety they’ve invested into their appearance, talents, or wealth has not actually added to their worth as a human or a soul. Luckily we’re replacing the message with something better: you are already good enough.

This message doesn’t encourage laziness or complacency. It gives people permission to grow. It allows people to make choices based on natural consequences, not on the threat of shame, or “not-good-enoughness”. For example, if I give my son the message that people who don’t get a graduate degree are stupid, lazy, or just not as worthy as those who do, I apply poisonous pressure. Yes, it’s true that those with doctorate degrees have more job opportunities and earning potential; these are natural consequences. But I don’t NEED him to earn one. I will love him no matter what he chooses or is able to do. If he feels that his worth to me isn’t at stake, he is actually more likely to take risks and take on challenges which will give rise to growth. He’ll do it because humans have the inherent desire to grow. He’ll do it because he WANTS to, not because he NEEDS to.

Some people disagree that all people are doing their best, and that they innately want to progress. They fear the message “you are already good enough” because they feel that, without shame as a driving force, people will deteriorate into moral/social/economic depravity. I acknowledge the possibility, but the only people I know who have expressed a desire to stagnate or self-destruct got that way for a reason. Babies aren’t born thinking of themselves as failures, burnouts, or leeches on society. They have to be taught that through experience. I can give my son that experience by scoffing, criticizing, or urgently trying to fix it every time he gets an imperfect grade. I can give people the opposite experience in therapy when they try their best to convince me of their worthlessness, and I help them feel that I care about them and don’t need them to be any different. It’s amazing how they start to change on their own once they get the message that they don’t NEED to.