When Kids Set Boundaries with Adults

 When you’re feeling overwhelmed with work, family, and other responsibilities, and your boss asks you to stay late to do something outside your job description, it would be appropriate for you to say No. And, it would not be appropriate to get a tongue lashing from your boss.

It might also be appropriate to say No when your friend asks you to bail him out of jail again, even if you have more than enough money to afford it. And it wouldn’t be appropriate for said friend to criticize you.

Recently, I’ve been feeling frustrated when I ask my 4 year old to do things (shut the fridge, pick up his wrapper, bring me my phone) and he says No. I get the urge to make some comment about how he’s rude, ungrateful, or just that he’s hurting my feelings. But I know that would only be harmful. Why?

Because all actions have consequences, but none of my child’s actions should have the consequence of hurting our relationship: it’s not something a child should have to worry about. I want him to feel unconditionally loved, and if the consequence of him doing something I don’t like is me criticizing him or telling him he is causing my anger, it counteracts my goal. If there is no consequence for an action (or inaction) besides an effect on my feelings, then this is a favor, and no one is bad for refusing to give out favors. 

Even kids who sometimes refuse to do favors for adults. 

Yet we wonder why adults have such a hard time setting boundaries. When your childhood experience was that saying 'No' led to shaming, it makes sense that it would be hard to say No now. So what can we do to not induce boundary anxiety in our kids?

One thing is defining rules as rules, and favors as favors. Taking your dishes to the sink in order to get dessert is a rule with a consequence. Asking you to help me clean the kitchen is a favor that you are allowed to refuse without threat of shaming. I would need to determine whether it’s worth having a rule that you lose a privilege if you don’t help clean up immediately when I ask you to. I wouldn’t dare set such a rule for my spouse. Blaming you for my feelings or criticizing you aren’t consequences for rules or favors, they’re just threats. And we don’t want to threaten our loved ones.

Whatever I ask my son to do, I want him to know whether there are physical consequences so he can make an informed decision. But if the consequence is me expressing anger at him, he becomes responsible for my feelings, feels he has no choice, and the risk of symptomatic people-pleasing increases.