Do Unto Others...But Really

 This quote has been discussed a lot at church recently, but there’s actually a lot more to think about here than “being nice” because you want people to be nice to you.

People sometimes use this statement to justify hurtful behaviors, as we sometimes feel like we need a kick in the pants, so others must need one too. Or we want a quick fix, or a logical solution, so we should treat others accordingly. This can be destructive to our health and relationships. Jesus is not asking us to project our own feelings onto others.

The modification of this quote “treat others the way THEY want to be treated,” is also incomplete. Sometimes others ask for aggression to get them to do something, or for a band-aid for their pain, or for you to remove your healthy boundaries for their short-term benefit. This helps neither them nor you.

If you stop to consider the original version, you’d find it suffices when you consider the complexity of different circumstances and emotional states. We might include that idea by modifying the statement as, “Treat others the way they need to be treated for both of us to be as healthy as possible in the long-term.”

This means you deeply consider what state this person is in, and what they need accordingly, not what you think you would want if you felt as you do now about their circumstances. For example, your girlfriend is crying again over something hurtful her annoying friend said. You might think, “If that was me, I’d cuss out the friend and never talk to her again, and I’d want someone to tell me to do that.” Treating your girlfriend how you think you’d want to be treated would just cause more damage to everyone.

She wants you to reassure her that her friend didn’t mean it and that their friendship isn’t in jeopardy, and that you approve of the friendship. Treating her how she wants to be treated would help her feel better for a second, but could also cause more damage because it makes you resentful and dishonest, and may her give false hope.

What your girlfriend needs is to reach a calm state where she can analyze the situation and make an informed decision. She needs someone to listen to her, to understand that this friendship is deep and complex and fulfills certain needs while draining resources in other ways. She needs to process her pain without premature judgments or logic, and to feel that she is making her own decisions.

After she is done working through the hard emotions, she finds that she would like to express her feelings to this friend, seek a repair if possible, and set boundaries if not. She is glad you didn’t give her the superficial reassurance she asked for, but that you listened, validated, then asked what she wanted to do before giving advice.

So, what did you do here? You treated her the way she really wanted to be treated, and how you would have wanted to be treated if you were in the same emotional state and circumstances.