It’s About TIME: Why People Pay Me for This 

"Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

 -Count Rugen, from The Princess Bride 

What wisdom from the 6-fingered man! If you are not healthy enough, you literally can’t do anything, do it well, or enjoy what you can do. The most basic prerequisite to both mental and physical health is that you need to be sleeping for about 1⁄3 of your life. If you’re not, your health may be declining much faster than necessary. Your body will punish you for this. 

*Maybe you don’t know why you can’t sleep. Your first priority should be to figure that out! (Anxiety? Trauma? Poor sleeping habits? Physiological problem?) 

Another principle of health is healing, or taking time to address the wounds and illnesses we have, which often get worse if they are not treated. If we don’t take time to do this, the brain and body will incapacitate us and force us to take a load off (a good way to conceptualize depression). What does this look like? This means taking time at the end of the day to reflect and converse, processing all the hard emotions accumulated in various activities. This means checking in regularly with someone about any hurts, disagreements, or miscommunications you had, rather than just lying in bed looking at your phone and letting the hurts accumulate into bigger problems. 

This means taking time to reflect on the patterns of stressors within your daily routine and relationships, and making significant changes to address them: 

-What do I keep apologizing for? 

-What is a continuous source of pain or stress? 

-What thoughts or feelings do I keep needing to stuff or keep secret? 

-What do I keep doing that I don’t want or don’t believe in doing? 

Checking in on feelings, and looking at patterns of feelings is what I do for a living. Often, people already have the skills necessary to talk about and process feelings, but don’t make time to do it on their own or with a close friend or family member. The stress and trauma rack up until they take some form that incapacitates them and forces them into treatment (mental illness, somatic symptoms). 

If you don’t take your own time to address your feelings, your partner's, or your kid's, you might have to pay me for mine. And, in therapy with me, one of my priorities will be helping you figure out how to do therapy on your own and with loved ones. If you have a regular habit of reflection and meaningful conversation with others, you likely won’t have to pay me for something you can get for free. 

*A good way to think about this is comparing it to physical exercise. One hour a week with a personal trainer is useful, but won't create any meaningful change unless you are exercising regularly outside of that hour. This principle applies to our emotional health. I might help you make breakthroughs and get the technique right, but exercising your emotions outside my office when possible will lead to much faster progress. 

*In many cases, people do not have the skills to talk about feelings effectively, or the emotional wounds are so intense that they require skillful containment (e.g., panic-inducing memories). In these cases, please seek professional help NOW, rather than wait for the problem to get worse.