Why So Critical?

 

Why So Critical?

 

Do you have that person in your life who is always on your case? Telling you what you’re doing wrong? Telling you what is not good enough? What may be good enough, but could be better? Criticism can be tough to take. Unsolicited critiques, critiques of character, or critiques of sensitive areas are especially painful.

So why do people feel the need to criticize? Most instances of criticism are not helpful, so why does it still happen? The following are a few explanations of why someone is criticizing you, and how criticisms can become more manageable:

1. This person is trying to help. This is often the case of criticism between an older family member and a younger one (Parent-child, sibling-sibling). Criticism is the non-vulnerable way to express love. They just point out flaws, rather than saying, “Hey, I care about you so much and value your success. Would you care to hear my thoughts on this?”. If this is the case, it should be pretty easy to coach the person on how you would like to receive feedback: “I can see that you’re trying to help, but maybe you could offer help, rather than just lay it on me? I sometimes feel distressed getting feedback that I haven’t prepared for.” A person truly trying to be helpful will consider your feelings.

2. It’s their job. Coaches, teachers, supervisors, ministers, and others may have a socially sanctioned responsibility to give you criticism. If so, prepare yourself to receive it. If it is coming in destructive ways, please talk with the person giving the feedback and tell them how they might give it in more productive ways.

3. They’re expressing a need. It is often the pattern for those less experienced in emotional expression to express needs in the form of criticisms. “You're always late!”, “You obviously don’t care about me,” and “You are so lazy!” are alternative ways to express feelings like, “I’m feeling lonely, insignificant, and overwhelmed.” The funny thing is, the first statements rarely help to get needs met, since they evoke defensiveness, which breeds attacks and emotional distance, which will likely increase the painful feelings.

They are also not objectively true, and are judgments, which most people don’t believe are appropriate anyway. The way to address this kind of criticism is to respond how you would like to be addressed, in honest vulnerable ways: “I’m feeling hurt by that statement. Can we talk about this? Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”. Expressing your honest feelings and desires without attacks will prompt many people to put down their weapons. If they respond aggressively to your vulnerability, either leave the situation, or respond vulnerably again, but NEVER attack back.

 

*It might be that the underlying feeling behind a criticism is, "I'm feeling hurt by your criticisms, and feel the need to defend myself or shut you down to keep myself from hurting." Examine your own statements to see if things might come off as critical (See "What It Means to Judge Not").

 

4. The person is projecting their insecurities on you. This is usually the hardest kind of criticism to deal with because it is often random and has little to do with who you are or what you are doing, but everything to do with the person dishing it out. One kind of insecurity comes from those who may be affected by your performance: “I am anxious for you to succeed because of how it reflects on me as a (parent, employer, teacher)."

Another is the perpetuation of shame-based paradigms. The basic explanation here is that people want you to feel inadequate because they feel inadequate--misery loves company. The deeper, more complex explanation is that, if someone has internalized the idea that love is conditional (“I will only be good enough if I do the following things...”) then you feeling confident, happy, and loved without meeting those conditions creates too much dissonance for them to handle. For example: A girl has internalized that she is only lovable if she maintains an extra low body weight and expensive appearance. If she sees another girl with an average body shape and inconspicuous apparel enjoying life and feeling loved, the average girl will be her target for bullying. She needs to make sure girls are not happy who aren’t anxious about their appearance.

Why is this kind of dissonance so painful? Why must someone be desperate to criticize and belittle? In this example, if it were actually true that appearances do not define worth (as supported by average girl’s  confidence), then the bully girl would feel terrible about herself regardless of what she did with her appearance. It means the lack of love she feels wouldn’t change even if she did everything perfectly. It leaves only one explanation: “You are worthless no matter what you do.” This is damnation, a kind of shame that everyone avoids at all costs. She must challenge the average girl’s happiness to avoid this shame.

How do you deal with this kind of criticism? You show that it doesn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t, because you know it has nothing to do with you, and because you ascribe to the all-important truth: You are good enough, worthy, and lovable, regardless of what you do. You were born that way, and that hasn’t changed. Then, if possible, you help the bully come to understand the same thing, not with retaliation, but with kindness (think classic Lindsay Lohan movies).

But, what if the criticism does hurt? If it affects you deeply, evoking shame (inadequacy, incompetence,  worthlessness, despair), it means your sense of self-worth is taking a hit. We initially acquire the sense of  self-worth from our primary caregivers, so criticism from parents tends to evoke shame. If criticism from others hurts just as bad, it means our self-worth is fragile, or the criticism is packaged aggressively. Self-worth can increase through trauma processing, thought challenges, behavior changes, and increased quality of social connection, and criticism from others can be addressed with confrontation and boundaries. You may not have internalized the idea of Unconditional Worthiness yet, but you can with enough work and help from others.