Fostering Gratitude in Children

Parents sometimes ask me how they can help their kids be more grateful. I typically start this answer by defining “gratitude” as a feeling, rather than a character trait; the feeling of happiness, pleasure, relief, or security we get when we receive something we actually want. We feel grateful for certain things, and not for other things, and can feel gratitude and ingratitude at the same time (e.g., “I’m grateful for the candy, but not for your dirty look”). Not being grateful for something, or many things, does not make a person inherently “ungrateful.”

We don’t feel grateful for things we don’t want. We might act grateful when someone gives us something we don’t want, but I don’t call this “gratitude.” This is either strategic (trying to appease someone to get something from them in the future), fearful (appeasing to avoid punishment), or caretaking (trying to prevent someone else from feeling upset). Grateful-appearing behaviors may be adaptive to certain situations, but they are not necessarily virtuous, and are often inauthentic and dishonest.

So, what do we really want from our children? Actual gratitude? Or are we more concerned about grateful behaviors? Ideally we’d have lots of both: happy and secure children, who are also polite or strategic when the situation calls for it, but who also don’t have to be inauthentic or dishonest. I’ll start by suggesting how to foster INGRATITUDE, or the lack of positive feelings when receiving something, even if it is something children want or need.

The easiest way is just to deprive the child of basic needs: food, water, physical safety, and love/validation. When children don’t have what all humans need to maintain their health, then all non-necessities (gifts), are unlikely to evoke gratitude, even if they are things children want. A person dying of thirst in the desert does not need a million dollars. They need water, and would likely not feel grateful for the money if they died of thirst soon after. The biggest resource scarcity I see in my work is love. I witness wealthy families that buy their kids anything they want, but don’t have the time to sit down to dinner or patience to engage with the child in a way that is meaningful to the child. These children often come off as ungrateful because they appear to have everything and take it for granted. But they are actually missing a basic human need. So I don’t expect them to feel grateful.

Another way is to leverage a basic need against a child for expressions of gratitude. For example, you might tell a child that they don’t get food, water, or shelter if they don’t show gratitude, but again, this doesn’t make them grateful, it is likely to make them fearful. They express gratitude anxiously and resentfully for something they don’t want or need: a transaction. Even if there is an urgent incentive for the child to express gratitude, humans tend to drag their feet on behaviors they do resentfully.

Of course, most parents will not withhold food, water or shelter from a child unless they want to be charged with child abuse. But virtually all parents will withhold love in some way or another, and shaming or criticizing a child for not showing gratitude is a common one. If a child feels that they may get shamed for not expressing, they might express, but will likely do so resentfully, and will not feel grateful for the transaction of conditional love.

 

So, to foster true GRATITUDE, we must do the opposite. We provide food, water, shelter, and love without conditions, not even at the cost of thank-yous. When children have their needs met, they feel grateful. And, when expressions of gratitude are not used as currency (they can’t be used to buy more love, or prevent shaming), then children will be free to use them as they will, and will learn more easily to express when it works for them. We want them to be able to choose to express gratitude when they want to prevent feelings from getting hurt, kiss up to someone, or sincerely want to strengthen a relationship. This happens when they get to experience natural consequences for expressions of gratitude (not unnatural, manipulative consequences from their own parents). Examples:

-The dentist gives your daughter a cool sticker after the appointment. She is enthralled by the sticker and doesn’t immediately respond, so you say to her, “Would you like to say thank you?”. She decides that the sticker made her happy, and she’d like to increase her chances of receiving another one next time, so she says “Thank you!” and the dentist offers a warm “You’re welcome” as a consequence. Or, your daughter might not respond, and you worry about it. The dentist (who may be emotionally immature) is personally offended, judges you for being a bad parent, and doesn’t give her a sticker next time, which is just fine.

-Aunt Betty gives your son another pair of silly socks this year at his birthday party. He is not a fan, and is not grateful for the socks. Maybe he loves his Auntie so he says, “Thank you for thinking of me. They are so silly!” as a loving, but honest gesture. Or, if he doesn’t care about this relationship, he might say thank you to improve his chances of getting $50 next year like the older kids get on their birthdays. Or, he might say, “You know Auntie, I don’t really care about silly socks” as a way to give honest feedback about how he might feel loved. If she is emotionally mature, she’ll take the feedback and find other ways to show love. If she is not, she will throw a tantrum, but that doesn’t make your son an ungrateful or bad child.

-Your boss knows you are thinking of leaving the company because you are tired of the toxic and manipulative environment, so he calls you in and offers you a substantial raise to convince you to stay. You are being offered something you actually want, and are actually feeling grateful for the raise, but you are highly suspicious that this could be leveraged against you if you raise any more complaints about hostile work culture. You remember how Mom taught you that you are free to express or not express gratitude as you will, and you decide to not thank your boss because you are not afraid of being fired or criticized (You know your worth!), and would feel inauthentic if you expressed something that would indicate satisfaction with your job or the relationship with your boss. Your toxic boss fires you soon after for “not showing him the respect he deserves,” and you walk out with your head held high because you were true to yourself.

In conclusion:

-Gratitude is a feeling you get when you receive something you really want while your basic needs are met. If you receive something you want while a need is not met, the gratitude will be short-lived or nonexistent.

-Not feeling or expressing gratitude for something others think you need or want does not make you “ungrateful,” and expressing gratitude for things you don’t want just to appease others does not make you grateful.

-We need to have a choice in whether we express gratitude, whether or not we are feeling it. This will make it easier to express it when it actually suits us, either to sincerely strengthen a relationship, or to strategically appease. Forcing or leveraging expressions of gratitude produces ingratitude.