Detaching Relationships

 

It pains me that I would ever need to instruct people on how to reduce the intimacy and vulnerability of a relationship; to get to an internal state where a person’s words, both positive and negative, have little or no effect. Relational detachment is a therapist’s worst nightmare, but there are some scenarios where it may be appropriate:

-When you frequently come into unavoidable contact with a verbally abusive family member (such as a parent).

-When you do not consider divorce a legitimate option, but your spouse is not in a place to stop hurting you emotionally (If you can safely do so, please remove yourself from physically abusive relationships).

-When you are co-parenting with someone who is not in a place to cooperate or be respectful.

-Other situations where confrontation and resolution with a source of trauma are unlikely or impossible (workplace, school program, etc.).

 

I am almost always in favor of confrontation and repair, and believe all people are capable of it with enough work and patience, but I respect when people determine that setting an emotional boundary will serve them best. I hope it is only done after lengthy deliberation and courageous attempts at repair.

So how do we begin detaching? You can probably think of a few people who are already numb in certain relationships. It’s something our brains and bodies will do naturally over time. But there is a way to do this that can increase insight and lead to real healing, rather than just numbing and slapping on band-aids. It involves the processing and evolution of several emotions, usually starting with anger and ending with compassion:

 

Anger: You have been hurt. You have felt ignored, abandoned, disrespected, insulted, criticized, or abused. Your body is feeling threatened and wants to defend itself. Recognize and allow yourself to feel this anger. Let it out in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone (venting to a friend, exercising, burning strongly worded letters).

 

Pain/Shame: What pain is evoking the fight response? What hurts here? What does it mean about you that you could be hurt this way? Talk about the pain you feel from this person. This will help you transition from anger (the outer emotion) to sadness (the inner emotion).

 

Grief: What have you lost? What expectations or needs went unmet? What did you never have? Begin processing what you are letting go as you come to accept that this relationship cannot be expected to improve, and so must be approached differently. What does it mean that you can no longer expect this person to fulfill the role you hoped they would (partner, parent, sibling, mentor, friend...)?

 

Pity: What must be the person’s state if they are continuously hurting you and unable to put effort into repairing? What kinds of unresolved trauma or other mental state are they in to perpetuate this abuse? This is where you might visualize this person as an injured animal (see “Allegory of the Dog”).

 

Compassion/Acceptance: What kind of pain is this person experiencing? What part of the brain are they in (see “Brain and Bucket”)? What feelings have you experienced yourself, or what would you have to experience to do what they do? This is where you recognize the humanity of this person, even if it is hidden beneath thick layers of trauma and suppressed emotions. You come to accept and internalize that this person’s hurtful words and actions are not personal to you; they stem from their own issues. As such, their negative words don’t hurt. Unfortunately, their positive gestures also likely have little effect.

 

This sequence of emotional processing may help you in developing resilience to the effects of a continuous source of trauma, likely someone close to you. It may not happen exactly in this order, and you may need to go through several cycles. Also, it will be almost impossible to detach from someone from whom you derive much of your validation (e.g., trying to emotionally detach from your spouse if you have no close friends and a poor relationship with your parents). You need to have enough emotional support elsewhere if this is going to work.

Lastly, this process does not need to be permanent. You may eventually be in a state to connect intimately and safely with this person in the future, but there are circumstances that may require detachment now, such as drug recovery, incarceration, mood altering medical treatment (like chemotherapy), or a relationship they have that creates a toxic environment. Just as you can learn to detach from someone, you can learn to reattach.

 

Key Points:

-Detaching is sometimes necessary, but is hopefully a last resort in family relationships.

-There is often a sequence of emotions to be processed, which eventually leads toward a distant kind of compassion. If not done mindfully, people tend to just become apathetic, which may be adaptive but has side effects in other relationships. -Detachment requires that secure relationships exist elsewhere. The relationship you are detaching must not be essential to your self-worth.

-It is possible to love someone, and detach from them. This process is not to create apathy, but to protect you and help you accept things as they are.

-The attachment can be recovered, but will take as much or more work as detaching did.