How to Recover from Break Up

 Recovering from Break Up

Let me just start by saying, I am so sorry. This must be intensely painful for you (or you would not be seeking guidance on dealing with it). You cared deeply about this person, or what they had to offer you, and the loss is devastating. Though I don’t know your specific pain, I have felt heartbreak of my own sort.

The thoughts of this article are not about seeing the bright side of things. It might look like there isn’t even a bright side. Either way, the things going well in your life or the ways your life is easier after the breakup are not the things making it hard to recover. These thoughts are about treating the pain, not ignoring it.

Assess the Damage

Take a good look at what is hurting, and what is now missing. Are you missing an arm or a leg? Hopefully not, but it might feel like a massive important part of you is now missing, so let’s put words to it. Determine if it is one of the basic human needs: food, water, shelter, safety, socialization, and validation. If this person has been the primary provider of your home, and they are no longer supporting you, that can be REALLY stressful. Maybe you’re not sure if you can support yourself? Luckily, in most places in the US, there are social services available to help you meet most of those needs if your family and friend network cannot. But I am sorry if you do not have people around that you can count on to help you if everything breaks down.

 But validation is another story. Has your sense of worth as a person been injured? Do you feel less lovable or valuable because of this breakup? Does it feel like your life has diminished value, meaning, or purpose? If that is the case, then this goes beyond the grief of a lost relationship. Time does not heal this kind of wound. Only true connection and healthy validation do, and perhaps deeper emotional work. For our purposes, I call this kind of pain Shame.

 But maybe you’ve examined yourself and haven’t found any critical damage. You can still meet all your basic needs and have a good social support system that helps you feel loved and important. You know life goes on, but you’re feeling the pain of loss. This is Grief. Luckily, this is the kind of pain that gets better with time. Though you are likely to experience a bit of both shame and grief, it is helpful to recognize them when they happen and address them individually.

Shame

Shame is our term for any sense of being less worthy, valuable, or meaningful. This includes the feeling that life can never be as good as it once was (a branch of shame I call “damnation”). The opposite is self-worth, or validation. Babies are not born with a sense of worth. It must be given to them. Hopefully it comes from primary attachments (i.e., our families), but if it doesn’t, it must come from other relationships. If the most accessible source of validation is romantic relationships, then you will be prone to entering unstable relationships, experiencing life-shattering crises with every breakup, then finding new partners to soothe the pain. Unless you have exceptional luck and find a healthy partner who will love you unconditionally, this cycle won’t end. You need to establish a decent foundation of self-worth before you can expect to find a lasting and stable relationship. So where will you get it?

There are many books written about developing your sense of worth, but a good start is to think of a relationship with someone who will not judge or criticize you, who will listen to you and validate the feelings you express about this breakup. There is no greater message of worthiness someone can give than of sitting with you at your lowest and ugliest, and showing you love and acceptance regardless of what you feel or say, or of what mistakes you repeatedly make. Do you have a relationship like this? If not a family member, is there a friend, mentor, or spiritual leader? Is there a higher power you feel safe and connected to enough to share with? If you can’t find this kind of validation in your life right now, maybe starting with a professional can help. Though this kind of relationship is not ideal for a primary attachment, a good therapist or coach can help you gradually develop relationships from which you can draw healthy validation. Once you have a sense that your life is meaningful, independent of a relationship with your ex, the grieving process can progress much more smoothly.

Grief

 If you’re finding that shame is not much of an issue, you likely have enough healthy attachments with safe loving people to help you feel that you matter independently of this or any other romantic relationship. You are feeling grief, which is the sweet sadness that only accompanies the loss of something you really valued. It is evidence that something beautiful happened in your life. As such, it should be allowed to flow unimpeded whenever possible. Talk about those good things from the relationship that you’ll miss. Cry about them. Sing sad songs. Write poems. Create art. It’s ok to appreciate the good memories. It won’t keep you from moving on. It will help you recognize what you want in the future so you don’t settle for less. Tennyson said, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I might add, “Tis better to acknowledge that you loved and lost than to pretend you didn’t.”

 I don’t think grief ever fully goes away, but it does diminish in intensity as the reservoir of sadness is allowed to drain, and as you incorporate new relationships and experiences into your life. Grief that is expressed and validated allows for improved maturity, greater valuation of good relationships, and ultimately a stronger savor for life.

Anger

I’ll add just a few thoughts on Anger, which can be a significant part of breakups. Anger is the natural defensive response to feeling hurt or violated. In relationships, it arises from a sense of injustice, that you were mistreated or received something you didn’t deserve. I’ll mention two common types of anger found in breakups.

 The first involves anger expressed as blaming, judging, and criticizing the other person, and might arise even if there were no abuses committed (e.g., The ex ended the relationship using non-aggressive communication and boundaries, the other person is just upset.). It often accompanies self-victimization, where someone ignores any part they may have played in the issues, including their lack of boundaries. This anger is likely a cover for underlying shame. Villainizing people rarely leads to healing. Though this is a valid emotion and should be expressed and processed in a safe place, it should be recognized as temporary, not doctrinal (e.g., “My ex is the actual devil”). Once it is processed, shame will likely follow, revealing the insecurity behind the villainizing (e.g., “How can I go on without her?!”). But when people are NOT listened to and validated in this state, they are likely to become more entrenched in their victim mentality.

 Another anger arises after shame is resolved. This is the force that seeks to protect you from true abuses. This anger is only possible in the presence of self-worth. If you don’t feel you deserve better, then you don’t sense injustice when someone treats you poorly. This anger must be processed and validated to help prevent future abuses (e.g., “I will never keep dating someone that talks to me like that ever again.”).

Mixed Feelings

 Working through a breakup would be a lot easier if the emotions only came one at a time and in proper order. But they don’t. They often come all at once, or not at all (feeling numb), or will even fight with and invalidate each other (“He was so awful to me! But I really want him to hold me right now and tell me it will be ok…but I’m so stupid for feeling that way!”). Yet, they all need to be listened to and validated. Though some people are well-practiced in giving the different voices in their heads space to express, most of us are not. This is where having a non-judgmental friend or professional is especially useful; someone who can point out the different voices and guide us to listen to each with curiosity and compassion.

So, that’s just a little bit to guide you on the path to emotional recovery from a breakup. Here are the key points:

-You will likely have multiple emotions. Some may be conflicting. All are valid and important to express. Stuffing any emotions will have negative side effects later on. Find a professional if you need extra help getting them sorted.

-People need people. It’s fine if you want to try being single for a while, but those thriving while single still have close relationships they can turn to. Find your people and strengthen those connections!

-You existed before this person and you will now that they’re gone. Your existence matters independently of them or the relationship.

-A quick thought on trying to get back in the relationship: Only do so after you feel you don’t need them anymore. After you have grown enough individually to not depend on them, they will either become less appealing to you, or you will have a much stronger chance of making it work.

Good luck!