When to Walk Away

 A common question presented in therapy, and that I imagine most people face, is when to call it quits on a relationship. As a therapist, I try not to tell people what to do or not do regarding relationship status, but I may pose certain questions or provide education to help people make those decisions deliberately and according to their core values. The following thoughts may help you gain clarity as you decide whether to stay in certain relationships.

First, I want to identify a few things that DON'T have to be deal breakers, but sometimes are if people don’t know about them or don’t take enough time to think about them.

“The ICK”. Though this term has many definitions in the Urban Dictionary, here it refers to a rapid decline in interest, or spike in aversion, of a potential partner due to trivial or unknown reasons (e.g., not asking her out again after seeing her leg hair, or after hearing his unique laugh). For us, the ICK refers to something inside YOU that needs to be explored deeper to determine its relevance. You may find with some good reflection that the trait doesn’t actually bother you, or that it relates to a deeper personal issue that you can work on (maybe your fear of this partner not impressing your judgmental mother?), or could be something easily resolved with a quick conversation (“I actually don’t like open-mouth kisses very much. Could we slow down with that?”). Or, you might find that your aversion matches some trait that you actually don’t care to address or tolerate (“He was awful to the waitress to her face and super critical afterward”). Either way, talking about and putting words to the source of the feelings will help you feel more confident in deciding to keep at it or call it quits.

Differences in Beliefs. Whether religious, political, cultural, or moral, just having a difference in beliefs does not need to result in the end of a relationship. It depends on whether you can show respect for your partner anyway, by refraining from criticising the beliefs or your partner for having them. This doesn’t mean you don’t exchange ideas, it’s just that you do so in a way that validates that the beliefs make sense in full context, and that you don’t judge people as stupid or inferior for their beliefs.

Differences in Interests. My wife, Kaprena, had never seen any of The Lord of The Rings before we met and still hasn’t. I had the map of Middle Earth memorized by age 4. Though this interest is deeply important to me, as well as many other things Kaprena has no knowledge of or interest in, it does not mean we are incompatible. The important thing is that we are interested in each other, and we are interested in ourselves. This means that we focus on the things that everyone has in common: thoughts, feelings, and relationships. These are the most interesting things anyway. So, we continue to relate and love each other, even if we can never pick a movie and she never laughs at the memes I like.

Next, I’d like to discuss some factors to consider that have increased chances of inhibiting a healthy relationship, but might not spell doom with the right resources.

Trauma/Baggage. You might know that this person has had a traumatic childhood, has had a history of poor relationships, or maybe even a criminal record. These things correlate with continued poor relationships, but they don’t necessarily predict them. Some questions you may want to consider are: How do they view this baggage? Do they pretend it isn’t there? Do they hate that it is there and have contempt for their history? Or do they seek to come to terms with it, learn from it, and share it? Are they able to describe their journey of recovery? Are they able to connect the dots between any troubling behaviors now and their history?

If this traumatized person is in a place to work on themselves without avoidance of the past, then you might allow the relationship to progress steadily and cautiously if there are other traits you are attracted to.

Addiction/Mental Illness. Honestly, just about everyone could be diagnosed with something these days. And these are strongly correlated with the trauma/baggage. But we are trying to determine if you are able to handle the symptom level and type. We also want to know if there is a plan to address the issues that you are both satisfied with, and observable actions to follow the plan. If we aren’t working on ourselves, chances are we are regressing. 

Would You Date Them? A common question I ask clients in couples therapy is, “If you were single, would you ask your partner out? It is often said that we “choose our partner every day.” If you find that you would rather not have chosen your partner consistently over a long period of time, for whatever reason, it’s a good sign that the relationship is in question. Depending on your beliefs about commitment and other factors involved (children, assets…), you may decide to wait it out and work on yourself. Improving your health/habits/skills does not force, but does incentivize growth in your partner both by having them observe your decreasing dependence on them, increased compatibility with other potential partners, and makes you a potential helper in their progress. But, after a period of self-improvement, but insufficient change in your partner, you might decide to step out of the relationship.

Lastly, I’d like to review some factors that are most likely to prevent both partners from being happy in the relationship, as access to the resources required to reverse their effects is lacking or nonexistent.

Abuse. Physical violence or abuse is illegal in most of the United States, and is damning to relational closeness. I assert that it is impossible to feel truly safe or loved while physical violence is a possibility within the relationship. I cannot ethically provide relational therapy while it is occurring in a couple because it would be abusive to encourage emotional closeness in such an environment. If there is no indication that it will stop imminently, it bodes poorly for the relationship.

Sexual abuse CAN exist between adults consenting to the relationship, as one may not consent to the level or type of sexual contact. Rape is easy to identify when threats of physical violence or blackmail are identified, but there are subtler forms of sexual abuse. These may include threats of criticism, shaming, guilt tripping, coldness, nagging, or cheating, to leverage someone into sex. They may also involve insistence of sexual activity with a partner known to have an intense fear of holding boundaries, who might not say No spontaneously, or even when asked directly. Until this fear is understood and clear agreements are made regarding sexual activity, then one partner may be vulnerable to sexual trauma regardless of apparent consent. The situation is more serious if the fear only developed in the current relationship. If any of the above issues are present in the relationship, and they are not addressed quickly, then the relationship is likely to end in physical separation or persist in emotional numbness.

Emotional abuse between partners is the most common, is not illegal, and can be hard to identify, but can be just as poisonous to relationships. A lot can be said about this concept, but I think the term AB-USE is helpful in showing us that any misuse or misdirection of emotions can be abusive. Any hostile gestures toward a person you profess to love and want to have a healthy relationship with are definitely misplaced, and may enter the category of emotional abuse. These may include: yelling, aggressive posturing, passive aggression, intimidating facial expressions, statements attacking a person, traits, or behaviors, throwing/breaking objects, stonewalling, and other things. They differ from holding boundaries, which are actions that might evoke pain, but are never aggressive (check out the articles on Boundaries!). As with the other forms of abuse, emotional abuse needs to be identified, admitted to by the perpetrators, and concrete plans must be made and actions taken soon to address it if the relationship is to survive.

Apathy. Two people angry at each other, by definition, still care about each other. But, if one partner fails to communicate that they care what the other thinks, feels, or does, then it is a true sign of a dead relationship. Apathy leads to lack of communication that would lead to increased connection, or resolution of relationship issues. The apathetic person does not care to invest time or energy into the relationship. Though it is technically possible for a relationship to recover from an apparent state of apathy, it still requires at least a small amount of investment (perhaps just enough to get one’s body to log in to relationship therapy/coaching call). But sometimes, the apathetic person doesn’t care enough to even withdraw from the relationship, leaving it up to the person who still cares to let go (stay tuned for the article on that).

There’s much more to say, and there are many factors to consider in these important decisions, but hopefully these ideas will prompt your thinking as you consider whether to stay or go. It takes a village to raise a couple, so please reach out to your trusted, non-judgmental people to listen to you and give feedback as you deliberate on your relationships. If you don’t have those right now, maybe a professional can help.